It all started with a text message. There I was in my home - my safe, humble abode that was consequently also a dead zone except for 4 areas inside my house: the window above the sink, the towel stand in my bathroom, the window on the front door, and the paper tray on my printer which sits on the desk just above my computer screen. This was where my cell phone was stationed at the time as I typed away on the computer completely unaware of the evil that lurked above me.
Suddenly there was a loud cry of "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" from above that startled me out of my happy little reverie of typing, and caused me to look around stupidly in vain for where the sound was coming. I found out all too quickly. I looked up at the last second when I heard another war cry of "ZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!" from above, and saw a crazed Ninjaberry Assassin lunging for me with a gleam of murder in its dark, beady eyed screen. It was then I realized "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!" was cell phone language for "I WILL GNAW ON YOUR BONES WITH MY BLUE TOOTH!"
I had no time to react.
BAM!
The Ninjaberry Assassin Chuck Norris round house kicked me SMACK in the forehead and did a back flip off my nose and flew toward the desk. My shocked and slightly battered head fell backwards toward the floor as my body reeled trying not to be taken with it. Thankfully my body had weight on its side, and never in my life had I been more glad to be fat, for had I fallen to the floor - as no doubt the Ninjaberry Assassin had intended - I would have been a sitting duck just waiting to be its dinner.
In the confusion, my eyes searched wildly for my attacker, and there I spotted it. Hanging on the computer screen, knife in its teeth and nun-chucks in its hand, ready to beat me senseless. I knew that I had a slim chance of winning, for I was still trying to keep from sliding from my chair into the floor as it was preparing another attack. Waisting no time, for it already judge with its keen and evil eyes that just one strike wouldn't take me down as it had originally hoped making this a quick job, it spit the knife out of its mouth at me, but it fell just short of reaching its mark - of which I was thankful. But it was just a distraction. Suddenly the Ninjaberry Assassin was leaping at me again, whirling its nun-chucks at me like a helicopter blade ready to slash me to bits. I knew I was a gonner. For who can withstand the power of the evil nun-chucks of doom weilded by a Ninjaberry Assassin who can round house kick in slow-mo like Chuck Norris?
No one.
Understanding that my end was soon near, I threw up a mental prayer for help, fearing it would fall on deaf ears. Then something happened that startled me. The Ninjaberry Assassin wasn't falling toward me preparing to beat me senseless with its evil nun-chucks of doom. It was rising higher and higher! But the Ninjaberry Assassin didn't appear to be angered by this - in fact it looked as if it'd expected it! What was it planning?! In my dumbfounded shock at not being beaten to a pulp, I watched the Ninjaberry Assassin rise higher and higher, laughing in its demented glee at my unsuspecting state.
Then its plan became all too clear as it reached behind itself and unlatched its back. The Ninjaberry Assassin was going to put its all into taking me out. I didn't understand why he was going to such drastic measures so soon in the battle, then I noticed something that explained it all and told me some one HAD heard my plea for help. There was a greenish-red light blinking in its forehead - it was going to die soon!!!! Some one up there loved me! I just had to stay alive long enough for the battery to drain! But how long would that take? Was its radio on? Yes! I had been sending a text message just before it had attacked me! YES!!! That would make it die quickly. I now had a plan!!!
The Ninjaberry Assassin threw its caseback at me with the deadly force that a ninja throws a shuruken at its enemy, but luckily for me it let out a high pitched shrilling beep of pain as its battery screamed to be recharged before it died. Its aim was thrown off causing the backing to fly past my left ear harmlessly - except for a few strands of hair that it sheered off in passing. Seeing that his plan hadn't worked in decapitating me, the Ninjaberry Assassin yelled at me again in its cellular language "ZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!" but its cry was cut off in another beep of pain. It wouldn't last long, and we both knew it. Reaching its limit in how long it could hover above me with its nunchacopter power, the Ninjaberry Assassin made a last ditch effort to lunge at my face and take me out.
I now put my plan into action. As it descended toward me, I struck out my fist with one finger extended and punched the Ninjaberry Assassin in the side - right on the voice command button. I then yelled a war cry better than anyone from 300 or Lord of the Rings could have ever come up with.
Aragorn.... Eat your heart out.
The Ninjaberry Assassin was caught off guard. Its internal programming tried to battle the demon within that wanted to kill me to follow its original programing which told it to "Call Home" as it had been commanded by its master. Unable to comply with both its blood lust and its core programming, the Ninjaberry collapsed onto the desk, where its battery was brutally ripped from its chest and hurled in my direction. I don't know if it was a last ditch effort to kill me in its dying moments, or if it was a fluke created by the chaos, but I knew I had to dodge that battery at all costs. Again my mental prayer was heard, and I was saved. Or... at least my face was. My foot was not so fortunate.
Having narrowly escaped my death via cellular demon, I limped away from the battle field. I now sported a lovely whelp on my forehead covered by a bandage, an eye patch on my left eye, and a band aid on my nose. I now also sported a peg for my left foot from my ni fatal battery attack thrown at me unfairly in the last second of battle.
But now that the chaos and danger was over, I carried my wounds proudly for I had survived an attack from the dreaded demon that had inhabited my phone. I had won, and was certain the demon had been vanquished. I wouldn't be bothered by it ever again.
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